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464 Euphemisms for Male Masturbation

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  1. A date with Palmela Handerson
  2. Acting out the grapes of wrath
  3. Backing your fist
  4. Bang yourself
  5. Beating my meat
  6. Beating the bishop
  7. Bop the bolony
  8. Choking the chicken
  9. Dating Hannie Palmer
  10. Donald trump firing his apprentice
  11. Fiction friction
  12. Fire off some knuckle-children
  13. Five finger shuffle
  14. Flog the dolphin
  15. Fucking yourself
  16. Going to the palm prom
  17. Hand to gland combat
  18. Having a knee trembler
  19. Hitchhike To The Sky
  20. Holding your sausage hostage
  21. Jacking off
  22. Jerkin the gerkin
  23. Jerking off
  24. Jibber jab
  25. Lubing the tube
  26. Making it snow
  27. Making stomach pancakes
  28. Milking the cow
  29. One handed baseball
  30. Painting the ceiling
  31. Playing air guitar naked
  32. Playing pocket pool
  33. Playing tug of war with the cyclops
  34. Pole dancing
  35. Pumping the keg
  36. Revving the engine
  37. Roughing up the suspect
  38. Rubbing one out
  39. Rubbing Rob Reiner
  40. Ruin your eyesight
  41. Shake and steak
  42. Slapping the salami
  43. Slicking Willie
  44. Spanking the monkey
  45. Spinnin’ a record
  46. Squishing the squidgie
  47. Stroking it
  48. Stroking the one-eyed snake
  49. Taking care of my business
  50. Thinking of your mom
  51. Tickle your pickle
  52. Turning Japanese
  53. Visit from the five-fingered aunty
  54. Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters
  55. Walking the dog
  56. Wax on, whack off
  57. Whippin off a batch
  58. Wrestling the one eyed monster
  59. Abusing the wicked stick
  60. Adjusting the antenna
  61. Aiding and abetting a known felon
  62. Applying the hand brake
  63. Arguing with Henry Longfellow
  64. Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
  65. Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
  66. Audition your hand puppet
  67. Backstroke roulette
  68. Badgering the witness
  69. Barking up the wrong tree
  70. Bash the candle
  71. Basting the ham
  72. Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
  73. Being rough with the sex stick
  74. Be your own best friend
  75. Beat the bishop
  76. Beat the bologna
  77. Beat the dummy
  78. Beat the meat
  79. Beat the pud
  80. Beat the stick
  81. Beat up your date
  82. Beef tips stroking off
  83. Bleed the weed
  84. Blow your own horn
  85. Bludgeon the beefsteak
  86. Bop the bologna
  87. Bop the bonzo
  88. Box the Jesuit
  89. Box with Richard
  90. Buff the banana
  91. Bugger your hand
  92. Building upper-body strength
  93. Burp the baby
  94. Burp the worm
  95. Butter the corn
  96. Calling down for more mayo
  97. Calling in the secret service
  98. Caning the vandal
  99. Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
  100. Charm the snake
  101. Check for testicular cancer
  102. Cheese off
  103. Choke Kojak
  104. Choke the chicken
  105. Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
  106. Clamp the pipe
  107. Clean your rifle
  108. Cleaning out your account
  109. Clear the snorkel
  110. Climb the tree
  111. Closet Frisbee
  112. Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally
  113. Combing your hair
  114. Communing with nature
  115. Consulting with your silent partner
  116. Corral your tadpole
  117. Couch hockey for one
  118. Crank the love pump
  119. Crank the shank
  120. Crimp the wire
  121. Crown the king
  122. Crushing pop cans in the dark
  123. Cuddle the kielbasa
  124. Cuff the carrot
  125. Daisy-chaining
  126. Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath
  127. Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
  128. Date Miss Michigan
  129. Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
  130. Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
  131. Debugging the hard drive
  132. Defrosting the fridge
  133. Digital penile oscillation
  134. Discovering your own potential
  135. Distributing free literature
  136. Do handiwork
  137. Do it your way
  138. Do the janitor thing
  139. Do the white knuckler
  140. Doing your homework
  141. Drain the monster
  142. Dry humping the ottoman
  143. Eating grapes with the one-armed man
  144. Electing the President
  145. Engage in safe sex
  146. Exercise one’s right
  147. Exercising your right to privacy
  148. Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love
  149. Feed the ducks
  150. Feeding bologna to the Smurfs
  151. Feeling your way around
  152. Fiddle the flesh flute
  153. Firing the pound gun
  154. Fist your mister
  155. Five knuckle shuffle
  156. Flick your Bic
  157. Fling your phallus
  158. Flip the bishop
  159. Flipping your omelet
  160. Flog the bishop
  161. Flog the dolphin
  162. Flog the dong
  163. Flog the log
  164. Flog the mule
  165. Fondle your flagpole
  166. Free Willy
  167. Frost the pastries
  168. Frosting your maple bar
  169. Frying up the corndog
  170. Gallop the old lizard
  171. Gardening with the golden trowel
  172. Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
  173. Get the German soldier marching
  174. Get to know yourself
  175. Get your pole varnished
  176. Give it a tug
  177. Give your low five
  178. Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
  179. Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh
  180. Go blind
  181. Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
  182. Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
  183. Go the blow
  184. Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head Submitted by Jake W.
  185. Goose the gherkin
  186. Grease the pipe
  187. Greasing the three-legged cow
  188. Hand job
  189. Hard labor
  190. Have one off the wrist
  191. Helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college
  192. Hitchhike to heaven
  193. Hitchhike underneath the big top
  194. Hitting too close to home
  195. Hoisting your own petard
  196. Hold the bishop
  197. Hold the sausage hostage
  198. Holding your own
  199. Hone the cone
  200. Hosing down the driveway
  201. Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
  202. Hug the hog
  203. Hump your hose
  204. Investing in pork bellies
  205. Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
  206. Jack hammer
  207. Jazz yourself
  208. Jerk Jamby
  209. Jerk the gherkin
  210. Left to your own devices
  211. Letting the cat out of the bag
  212. Liquidating the inventory
  213. Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne
  214. Lope the mule
  215. Love the Muppet
  216. Love’s labors lost
  217. Lubricating the love monkey
  218. Make a foreskin cone
  219. Make instant pudding
  220. Make the bald man puke
  221. Making a cash withdrawal
  222. Making chowder with sailor Ned
  223. Making it up as you go along
  224. Making magic with leftovers
  225. Making soup
  226. Making the bald man cry
  227. Making the bread rise
  228. Making the world safe for democracy
  229. Mangle the midget
  230. Manual labor
  231. Manual override
  232. Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock
  233. Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
  234. Milk the lizard
  235. Milk the moose
  236. Milk the self
  237. Mount a corporal and four
  238. Much goo about nothing
  239. Nerk your throbber
  240. Null the void
  241. Onan’s olympics
  242. One gun salute
  243. One man band
  244. One-night-stand with yourself
  245. Pack your palm
  246. Paddle the pickle
  247. Paint the ceiling
  248. Paint the pickle
  249. Painting the flag pole
  250. Painting the picket fence
  251. Paying at the turnpike
  252. Peel the banana
  253. Perform diagnostics on your man tool
  254. Pet the lizard
  255. Pip the pumpkin
  256. Play a little five-on-one
  257. Play a one-stringed guitar
  258. Play five against one
  259. Play in a one-man show
  260. Play pocket pinball
  261. Play pocket pool
  262. Play tag with the pink torpedo
  263. Play the skin flute
  264. Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
  265. Play Uno
  266. Playing it safe
  267. Playing the one-stringed melody
  268. Playing the single-string air guitar
  269. Plugging in the toaster
  270. Plunk your twanger
  271. Polish Percy in your palm
  272. Polish the family jewels
  273. Polish the helmet
  274. Polish the rocket
  275. Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
  276. Polish the sword
  277. Pound off
  278. Pound the bald-headed moose
  279. Pound the pud
  280. Pounding the fence post
  281. Prepare the carrot
  282. Prime the pump
  283. Pull rank
  284. Pull the bologna pony
  285. Pull the carrot
  286. Pull the goalie
  287. Pull the pole
  288. Pull the Pope
  289. Pull the pud
  290. Pull your own leg
  291. Pull your taffy
  292. Pulling your own weight
  293. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap
  294. Pump the python
  295. Pump the stump
  296. Punish Percy in your palm
  297. Putting your best foot forward
  298. Putting your foot down
  299. Raining on your parade
  300. Ram the ham
  301. Relishing your hot dog
  302. Riding the five-legged pony
  303. Roll your own
  304. Rolling it off the lot
  305. Romeo and himself
  306. Rope the pony
  307. Rope the Pope
  308. Rub one out
  309. Run off a batch by hand
  310. Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
  311. Safest sex
  312. Sailing the mayonnaise seas
  313. Saluting the general
  314. Sampling the secret sauce
  315. Sand wood
  316. Scour the tower of power
  317. Scraping the bottom of the barrel
  318. Scratch the itch
  319. Screwing your courage to the sticking place
  320. Secret handshake
  321. Self abuse
  322. Self-induced penile regurgitation
  323. Sex with someone you really love
  324. Shake hands with Abe Lincoln
  325. Shake hands with the midget
  326. Shake hands with the unemployed
  327. Shake hands with your John Thomas
  328. Shake hands with your wife’s best friend
  329. Shake hands with Yul Brynner
  330. Shake the sauce
  331. Shake the sausage
  332. Shake the snake
  333. Shaking hands with Dr. Winky
  334. Shellac the shillelagh
  335. Shemp the hog
  336. Shift gears
  337. Shine the helmet
  338. Shine your pole
  339. Shoot for the moon
  340. Shoot putty at the moon
  341. Shoot the airplane
  342. Shooting yourself in the foot
  343. Shuck your corn
  344. Sizing things up
  345. Slam the ham
  346. Slam the salami
  347. Slam the salmon
  348. Slam the Spam
  349. Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
  350. Slap it
  351. Slap pappy
  352. Slap the carrot
  353. Slap the clown
  354. Slap the donkey
  355. Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol
  356. Slap the salami
  357. Slapping Johnny on the back
  358. Sling the jelly
  359. Smack the salami
  360. Smiting the pink knight
  361. Snap the monkey
  362. Snap the rubber
  363. Snap the whip
  364. Solo flight
  365. Solo marathon
  366. Solo sex
  367. Spank Elvis
  368. Spank the bishop
  369. Spank the frank
  370. Spank the monkey
  371. Spank the salami
  372. Spank the wank
  373. Spanking the rooster
  374. Spending your Christmas bonus
  375. Squeeze the cheese
  376. Squeeze the juice
  377. Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
  378. Squeeze your cheese-dog
  379. Squeezing the happy lumberjack
  380. Stir the batter
  381. Stir the yogurt
  382. Strain the main vein
  383. Straining your cabbage
  384. Stretching the truth
  385. Strip-mining with the spaghetti man
  386. Stroke the carrot
  387. Stroke the mole
  388. Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
  389. Stroke the satin-headed serpent
  390. Stroke your poker
  391. Stroke your Twinkie
  392. Strumming the one-string harp
  393. Take matters into your own hands
  394. Take part in population control
  395. Take the fifth
  396. Take the monster for a one-armed ride
  397. Taking a few practice shots
  398. Taking a load off
  399. Talk quietly to yourself
  400. Taunt the one-eyed weasel
  401. Teaching the Cyclops the lambada
  402. Tease the weenie
  403. Tenderize the tube steak
  404. Tending to your own affairs
  405. That crazy hand jive
  406. Thrash your thing
  407. Thump the pump
  408. Tickle the ivory
  409. Tickle the pickle
  410. Ticklewigglejigglepickle
  411. Tipping off the inspector
  412. Toss the snag
  413. Toss the turkey
  414. Toss yogurt
  415. Tug the slug
  416. Twang the wire
  417. Tweak your Twinkie
  418. Twist your crank
  419. Unleashing the alabaster yak
  420. Unloading the gun
  421. Unpacking the moving van
  422. Varnish the flagpole
  423. Varnishing the banister
  424. Visiting with Papa Smurf
  425. Wake the dead
  426. Walk the dog
  427. Walk the plank
  428. Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoes
  429. Wallowing in self pity
  430. Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel
  431. Wash the meat
  432. Wax the Buick
  433. Wax the carrot
  434. Wax the dolphin
  435. Waxin’ n’ Milkin’
  436. Whack it
  437. Whack the weasel
  438. Whack Willy
  439. Whip the dummy
  440. Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
  441. Whip the one-eyed worm
  442. Whip the rat
  443. Whip the stiff
  444. Whip the wire
  445. Whip up some sour cream
  446. Whip your dripper
  447. Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
  448. Whittle the stick
  449. Wiggling your walrus
  450. Windsurf on Mount Baldy
  451. Wonk your conker
  452. Work things out
  453. Working at your own speed
  454. Working late at the office
  455. Working without Annette
  456. Wrestle the dragon
  457. Wrestle the eel
  458. Wrestling with the bald champ
  459. Wring out your rope
  460. Wrist aerobics
  461. Yank the crank
  462. Yank the yo-yo
  463. Yank your plank
  464. Evicting the testicular squatters

 

Secrets from the Phone Sex Chatroom

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And as always I had so many responses from last weeks question that I had to make more than one blog for it.

Question Recap: How would the perfect night out end?

Taryn: Walking barefoot among a group of kneeling and adoring slaves ready to cater to my every whim

Isabelle: What is the single most attractive feature a man can have?  Deep penetrating eyes that seduce me into a quivering mess on the floor.

Spencer: On a date He would be a gentlemen, and take me for a walk at the beach or a nice park and we could chat…or if it was my man…he would rip my clothes off me, throw me down and show me who’s boss!

Milan: I live near the beach, so I like long drives up the coast, windows down, music on, good conversation.

 

Taryn

886-289-3963

http://www.lusciousphonesex.com/

Isabelle

800-910-1557

http://www.phonesexmamas.com/

Spencer

866-486-7224

http://www.teenbabesphonesex.com/

Milan

866-514-9737

http://www.sinfullysexyphonesex.com/

Face Fucking Phone Sex

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I want you to fuck my face. Take charge of my mouth and your pleasure! Show me the way to your paradise. Rub your silken pink cock head against my wanting lips and tongue. I will be sure to caress, flick and lightly lick, much to your liking. Guide my mouth up and down the rigged shaft of your cock.  Test the limits of my gag reflex. Thrust in and out, harder and faster as I tickle the sensitive hairs on your balls.

Admin. Nicki

http://www.phonesexcandy.com/

http://www.tlcphonesex.com/

Secrets from the Phone Sex Chatroom

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As has been the case for a while now, I stopped by our chatroom to see what trouble the girls were getting into. And Like always for your enjoyment dear reader I Plunged myself into the depths of their depravity to bring you another installment of Secrets from the phonesex chatroom.

Today’s Question: How would the perfect night out end?

Alex: A perfect night out ends in dirty fucking.

Carmen: A perfect night out ends in my bedroom.

Sylvia: perfect night ending would be wanting the next night SOON

 

Alex

866-538-2420

www.seductivemilfphonesex.com

 

Carmen

866-285-4541

www.tlcphonesex.com

 

Sylvia

888-259-7486

www.tlcphonesex.com

Secrets from the Phone Sex Chatroom

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Last posts question got so many responses from the girls that I had to spread the juicy details over 3 separate posts. This is the last of the 3 posts for this question.

Question recap.

What is your favorite part about the super sexy photo shoots you do?

 

Maria: showing off my body without showing you my secret spots. looking into that camera and knowing that I am showing you something naughty without actually showing you.

Maria

877-422-6457

See More of Me Here

Alex: Depends on the photographer, but I love the connection to the audience. Knowing each picture leaves a lasting impression.

Alex

866-538-2420

www.seductivemilfphonesex.com

Carmen: It is so fun! Pampered and being sexy. Playing around with toys and giving everyone a peek of my dirty side.

<3 Carmen

866-285-4541

www.sinfullysexyphonesex.com/carmen.html

 

Sylvia:  The fact that the photographers are surprised how fit I am.  My huge boobs; trim waist, full hips.  I like knowing they are turned on by my body.

Sylvia

1-888-259-7486

www.sinfullysexyphonesex.com/sylvia.html

 

Jemma: I like spreading my legs and showing my juicy pussy.  I especially like it when they have to come and wipe away a little drizzle of sweat from the hot lights

Jemma

888 858 0295

www.sinfullysexyphonesex.com/Jemma.html